Public blogs and Yahoo groups make for interesting company at times. Many of us keep public blogs and I think it's fair to say that most folks who homeschool belong to at least one, if not a dozen or more yahoo (or similar) type email groups. Something that seemed odd and unnecessary in my life two years ago now is commonplace and accepted.
I started this blog as a way to document our homeschooling days. I liked the idea and ease of an on-line journal vs. a cut and paste scrapbook kind of thing that seemed quite time consuming. It also became important when our path lead to unschooling. There were suddenly no worksheets or book reports that could be placed in a binder and used as proof of our educational progress. Blogging was a fast and easy way to document our unschooling days. The on-line journal fit nicely into our new lifestyle as did several new yahoo discussion groups related to the unschooling philosophy.
The decision to go public with the journal was a selfish one on my part. Having a large family with adult children and extended family scattered across the nation, it provided an easy way of sharing information without repeating myself silly. I also hoped it would broaden knowledge and understanding of homeschooling. I didn't imagine at the time that the journal would be read by complete strangers who would also leave comments, nor could I have imagined that the AOL journal editor would select my journal as the #3 pick a few months back, multiplying the amount of regular readers. As I became more comfortable with going public, I started adding my blog link to my email signatures. Clearly, all these factors lead to a larger audience and I reassured myself that I was comfortable with this exposure. After all…perhaps I could help newcomers with my experiences.
A similar journey occurred when I joined several Yahoo unschooling/homeschooling discussion groups. My initial desire was to connect to likeminded individuals who shared a similar educational path. A secondary hope was to learn about the success and failures of unschooling, and finally I was hoping for another dimension of blogging. I envisioned a three dimensional journal of sorts that would allow the education and connection I desired, but also provide dialogue and support. It sounded perfect. It is remarkable to look back and remember where I thought all of this blogging and e-listing would take me and where instead I have landed. We humans tend to have grandiose preconceived notions of where our selected journeys will take us, and often predetermine our lessons before they even unfold.This journey has been full of surprises.
The biggest surprise with the journal going public was the dishonesty by omission aspect. I discovered my own coward ness when it came to sharing the dark moments that occurred along the road. My unschooling journey didn’t come pre-packaged with a white light overhead that enlightened us with calm and purposeful understanding of our new world. We did stumble across these moments in the early days that were full of promise and with time they have become much more commonplace, but they were not instantaneous. What seemed much more commonplace was the struggle of letting go, the anxiety of embarking on such unchartered territory, the daily wrestling matches with Mother Guilt, that perhaps I had made the wrong decision. The hardest was the less frequent but very powerful “psycho-mommy” moments when the guilt, fear and insecurities would blow out of my soul like a tornado carrying raw raging emotion destroying even the faintest white light in the distance. None of this was recorded. The saddest part of these omissions is the value of their testimonies. I can only speculate that writing my way through the dark moments of this journey could have hastened my healing, and I would certainly like to believe that those honest, real entries could have aided others as they embarked on their life paths. It seemed at the time the stakes, whether real or imagined, were just too high to be that honest.
There has been a similar experience with Yahoo email discussion groups. There seems to be a “share the best of our day” quality to many of the lists. This is not entirely a bad thing, goodness comes from sharing goodness. It was helpful to hear the experiences of others, but if left me wondering if perhaps I was failing miserably. There are many posts that relate to the frustrations, the struggles, the guilt and wondering associated with unschooling but they most often are presented in lovely calm and sophisticated, orderly manner. These posts are not without merit, I have learned from them, the problem is my frustrations, guilt and struggles have never been that orderly. My meltdowns are usually quite unsophisticated, unruly, loud and disturbing. I don’t remember many of them following mandated guidelines, and at least four of them have bordered on insanity. They all without exception have been conducted in all CAPS. While many unschooling families take pride in allowing their children total freedom in their world we do not allow the same freedom to each other. All the unschooling lists I know of have “guidelines” or rules that members must follow. There are certain types of posts that are not allowed and breaking the rules often leads to a type of “punishment” such as being placed on moderated status. This has always seemed to be in direct contradiction to the principles in which we raise our children.
My blog says that I want to share, “the good and the bad. the happy and the sad…the failures”….I haven’t done that. I have picked the good, the precious, the witty, and the happy. Nor, have I ever taken any of the dark moments to any of the discussion/support lists. It has been too darn intimidating to put those dark moments out there. It seems to me that it is only safe if you post the cleaned up, watered down version…the sophisticated version. Sadly, for me…by the time my darkness becomes sophisticated it is old news, usually solved and no longer needs to be hashed out. That in and of itself is not a bad thing, but it doesn’t address the loneliness, the isolation, the feeling that I am the only home/unschooling Mom in the world that has psycho Mommy moments.
So….I apologize for the dishonesty by omission aspect to my journal, to my email discussion lists, even to my Park Day discussions. If by writing this, if one other Mom realizes that she is not alone…that darkness happens in all households, even the most sophisticated ones, then this entry has worth. It isn’t all magical, mindful moments, sometimes it is frustration and anger and sheer incompetence…sometimes it is hopelessness…..sometimes it is lazy….sometimes it is confusion….sometimes it is impatience…but it is always real, and it is always part of the journey. Yes, even the unschooling journey.
I have read some powerful advice in blogs and on lists about dealing with a raging child…. how to sit with that child and help him feel safe, how to let that child know that he is valuable no matter how messed up he feels at the moment, that he is loved regardless his rage and he will not be left alone, that he will not be judged in the face of his tornado. That he is O.K. Adversely, I have not seen the same level of compassion and support extended to Mom’s who are courageous enough to post their dark moments. Perhaps if we treat each other with the same respect and freedom we advise with our children, it will open the door to more honesty within these formats.
We must learn from our children who feel and articulate freely despite the audience, that emotions are a real part of life, that they sometimes come without obvious cause or warning and we need not be ashamed of them or omit them from our records. We have learned to take our children seriously, it is time we start taking each other seriously. We must give each other the same safety net we give our children, the same patience, love and acceptance, even in our dark moments. When that happens, we will have truly defined unschooling.
"Knowing is the easy part, saying it out loud is the hard part. " --Robert Redford, from the movie, the Horse Whisperer
We went for a river walk this morning (with Anna who is here for a visit) and saw a big 
